With all the uncertainty in the world now, I am doubling down on things that can serve multiple purposes, and Pop-Tarts, through a strategy I call Pop-Tart periodization, are at the top of my list.
“Why Pop-Tarts, of all things?” you ask.
They can be used as a food, rocket insulation, and even incendiary devices.
Ok, so one of those is not real (read on to find out which one).
Pop-Tarts are true “Jack of All Trades” items, much like the fabled Swiss army knife.
Here are 4 more reasons for my love of Pop-Tarts.
1) Indestructible
If the apocalypse is coming, you can keep Pop-Tarts for years. No refrigeration needed either.
Heck, the frosting on them never melts in the toaster or a hot car. I have tested this, of course. I’ve left them on the dashboard of my rental car years past in S. Padre, TX, when I was down there kiteboarding while the car was parked in the blazing sun. You could never even tell.
I believe the frosting is a new ceramic that Elon is secretly testing out for his next rocket. It has a dual role as being a last-ditch calorie source, too, on the way to Mars.
2) Calorically Dense
One Pop-Tart has 35 grams of sugar, but that is crazy talk since everyone eats both as there are 2 in a package, you silly goose.
Two Pop-Tarts clock in at 70 grams of sugar with very little fat or protein.
If you take your own blood glucose every 20-30 minutes post consumption of a dose of Pop-Tarts, you have your own OGTT (oral glucose tolerance test).
Yes. I do think this (or a test like it) is a good idea to do from time to time to see how metabolically flexible your metabolism is in response to a piss-ton of sugar. If you feel like you want to pass out under your breakfast nook after 2 Pop-Tarts or your blood glucose spikes to 150 mg/dL, your anaerobic metabolism needs some work. I have a full article on this aspect at Pop-Tart – Proof.
3) Incendiary device
While I stated that the frosting does not melt in the toaster above, that is true – but only if your toaster is working normally.
When you go around the safety mechanisms, and you trap an innocent-looking Pop-Tart in the toaster for several minutes, it WILL catch fire and shoot flames out of said toaster 1-2 feet high.
This was first demonstrated in 1994 by Texas A&M University, Corpus Christi professor Patrick Michaud. performed an experiment showing that when left in the toaster too long, strawberry Pop-Tarts could produce flames over a foot high. (1)
Yes, Pop-Tarts can morph into a blowtorch.
No joke! Check out the video below
It goes without saying, do not do this at home.
**Mental note to self – ask wifey about how much she likes our current toaster?
4) Test of Time
Pop-Tarts were first introduced into the market in 1964. For about five and a half decades, they have stood the test of time. Kellogg’s sells more Pop-Tarts now than ever before.
“The company now sells about 2 billion Pop-Tarts each year in the United States, which is double the sales of the early 1990s.” (2 & 3)
5) Easy To Find
Virtually every store and gas station has Pop-Tarts. It is easy to up your stash at any point.
Pop-Tart Periodization
I view Pop-Tarts as part of distress nutrition that I cover in the Flex Diet Cert.
Distress is stress that can take your body longer to recover from. For many, Pop-Tarts with their 70 grams of sugar are a distress to their metabolism. Over time, with training, you want to take as many distress stressors and morph them into eustress – stress that your body takes less time to recover from, hence Pop-tart periodization.
Let’s say you have 2 S’Mores Pop-Tarts for breakfast tomorrow, as you did not heed my advice to get the strawberry frosted ones. I will still forgive you.
Your baseline blood glucose is a nice 85 ng / dL; however, 60 minutes after 2 Pop-Tarts, you are at 145 ng / dL. Eeeeek, that is some hard data that your body is having a hard time dealing with Pop-Tarts.
Now, you are a loyal reader, so you already have the Flex Diet Cert. You put all that info into your new training and nutrition plan that you violently execute at 90% compliance for the next 8 weeks. This time, after 2 Pop-Tarts, your blood glucose is 122 ng / dL. Much better. Your glucose metabolism is moving in a better direction.
You are taking a distress and moving it towards a eustress. Your body has better function overall and can now buffer that stressor.
There you have 4 fun facts about Pop-Tarts and how to use Pop-Tart periodization to test your body’s metabolic flexibility to carbohydrates easily and safely….
…as long as you don’t leave them in the toaster too long.
Dr Mike
References:
1. Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow-Torches, accessed April 13, 2020, URL http://www.pmichaud.com/toast/
2. Press Release “Kellogg’s(R) Pop-Tarts(R) Approaches 40th Anniversary With ‘Design Your Own Pop-Tarts’ Contest and Sweepstakes For Kids” accessed April 13, 2020 URL http://newsroom.kelloggcompany.com/news-releases?item=76077
3. Chicago Tribune online “A toast to the Pop-Tart–it’s 40” accessed April 12, 2020 URL https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-2003-04-07-0304080263-story.html
